I am a sensitive and emotional person who’s been shut away in a box unable to breathe for too long.  I’m letting her out now to see where she takes me in this life.  I had put her in that box because she IS sensitive and emotional and couldn’t take the brutality of this world.  Her name is Snippy and don’t let her cute, innocent exterior fool you because she’s a shark. 


Mask On

Mask On

"Fuck You"!  That’s what I wanted to shout in my Zumba class today.  I always tell my younger son to stop looking for evidence of love and here I am, an adult, a professional, looking intently at every one of my students for evidence that they’re enjoying the class. And after a number, when the applause is half-assed, or instead of smiling faces I see blank ones, I start to break down.  I turn into a stone-faced, steely-eyed, scary mother-fucker.  Then, I think better and put on a half-smile shrugging to myself that this doesn’t matter.  But, it does!  It does matter that I look for love and acceptance and that I get it especially if I’m the one in front giving people my all.

If I’m being truly honest, people disappoint me all the time.  I taught my last Aqua Zumba class last Friday to a group of great people.  Yes, my announcement to stop teaching was abrupt considering I’d been teaching for over eight years and I had been gone for four weeks over the summer and then I came back to reveal, “tada,” I’m giving you two weeks notice.  Maybe, some of them took it personally or maybe they just don’t give a fuck about me. Which is it?  I don’t know.  However, on my last day of class, I was disappointed.  It was one of my least attended class and the faces that I’d seen over so many years were not there.  A newer student had baked me a cake and another had organized collecting money and messages for a card.  I appreciated all of it, of course, but I was also eating crow at the fact that most of my long-time students were not in attendance to say good-bye.

I’m guilty of having put on masks my entire life just to “fit in”, be socially acceptable, be likable, be respected, etc.  Name your reason, I had a mask for every one and every occasion. Probably, the biggest tragedy was realizing what I thought was my “true face,” turned out to be a mask, after all.  And that mask looked like someone who is tired, resigned, and beaten down through countless disappointments and setbacks.  I lived with that face in the confines of my home, in front of my family when I wasn’t performing with a different mask for others.  And that sad, loser mask is the mask that I’ve put on to not get excited about life because, frankly, life has been a series of fucking traumatic disappointments.  So, I get that I’m a big hypocrite on top of being a jerk to expect my students to take off their masks when my own is bolted on tight.  I don’t have an answer for that.  I’ve exposed my own hypocrisy and maybe, that insight will allow me to be more compassionate in the future.

 

Jump!

Jump!